Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Randomize