I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
