I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
