dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
