if i can run in heels then i can drive
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
