So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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