Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
