Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize