There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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