It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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