i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
...so i touched it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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