Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
