We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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