My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
