Cold hands, warm shart.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
