Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
