imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
