I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
