He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
