Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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