I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Houston, we have a blender
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
