last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize