just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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