the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Vodka?
Forever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
