you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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