I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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