At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
