I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
