I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
