Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
