so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
tell me about the eggs
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