He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
