I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize