She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
