Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
