I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
