you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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