i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would fuck him just for his dog
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
