I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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