Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
