Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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