if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
