He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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