after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
