you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
