I just saw a hot homeless man
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
