Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
