I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
