this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
