I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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