I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
