He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize