if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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