I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
