Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
