We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
