also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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