she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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