You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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