I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
