you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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