Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
