I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
