Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
