wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
