My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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