just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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