sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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