you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
