My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
