i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
