I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
